on being jolly

It's hard to be oh-so-jolly when there's something that really bothers me...or haunts me. I mean, sure there are lots of things to be jolly about. But this thing, it creeps me so deep that it clouds every surface of the jolly-me, and it's so effing powerful it sucks up all my positive energy that I don't have any choice but to give up!

Ugh! It just sucks you know, All my life I had everything in my hands. I could change the course of things in just one mind set. I could... and there are lots of things and opportunities that I have wasted because I was so confident that I could turn around anytime and change things if I want to. I never thought it could backfire at me just like that.

What Gerlie wants, Gerlie gets. I'm not a selfish biatch nor a spoiled brat mind you. It's true, I always know how to get my way on things. But I am aware that there are things that are not for me, and so I would rather not WANT them even if I really want them (urgh.. get the idea?...). I know when to give up and when to fight for things. I know my limitations to say the least.
But lucky me..mostly in my life, I never have to give up that much. And wooh! ain't that fun? I guess...

But then I realize that when things get out of hand and something comes my way that is beyond my control, it hits me right in my face that things were never in my control and will never be. Maybe life favored me earlier in life but that doesn't mean that I am in control. There are things that are just waaay out of my reach. Even if it's something I wanted all my life, even if I'm ready to give up everything just for that one...moment...one chance. And I thought I could always find my way through things.

It's really not that hard for me to give things up. Especially when I know it's not meant for me. I'll survive. But this one is a bit of a tough one. Maybe there are things that aren't really meant to happen, one just have to raise the white flag and go to a retreat. But I have already raised mine... why do you still choose to stomp out my shelter?