Growing up I've had too many heart breaks and disappointments in life and people. Maybe it's the reason why I've turned out to be this cold, indifferent and insensitive. I wish I could undo what I've become... I always try hard to bring happiness to everyone around me.. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm afraid of commitments, of being emotionally attached to people... And it sucks... because though I fight so hard to realize that we need to experience pain to feel alive.. i still dont want it. But I want to want it. It's just hard for me now... I know every heart aches can be get over with, every failure can be overcome...and everything will be okay eventually... I hate that way of thinking... I hate it but that's how I believe things to be. It makes me feel so lifeless.
I dont wanna to be okay when there;s no reason to be okay. I want to cry and feel devastated when i fail or when i am hurt. I wanna feel that and treasure it. I wanna feel happy when there's a reason to be happy... and I wanna stay that way while I still have it. I wanna feel all these things...one at a time..feel alive again. But I dont know how... Ive been alone for far too long.. and i just dont know how to care anymore.
Sigh. this blog has been too gloomy. I must make myself happy again. Last gloomy post for this month... or maybe until next year i hope. :s
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