my lesson today

Today was just any other day. I woke up early, and walk to my class this morning. Just a daily routine. And on my way, I saw a little cross on the road and I was compelled to pick it up, but I didn't. I stopped for a second to think if I should go back and pick it up...But still I didn't. Just because it is not part of the daily routine, something unusual like that.
It dawned on me how I've been living my life on the safe side.
Not wanting any change, not risking anything.
At times I wonder how have I change my life over the past 23 years. And looking back... I don't see that much change at all.
I'm not saying that the life I have right now isn't the life I want, because with all honesty, it's exactly what I pictured my life would be, I'm exactly the person I thought I'd be.
But how many risks have I exactly taken to make a difference? To actually be something. I look back saddened of what I realized, I've done nothing...
Nothing at all to make a difference...
I asked myself How much influence have I've been to other people? Have I touched someone else's life? perhaps... But I will never know for sure... I could walk out of this earth unnoticed and I guess that's okay, lives around me would still be moving on.
But what bothered me most is how I realized that I've made no connections among other people...I've never made something or someone matter in my life. I have never crossed that line.

Maybe that's what's been missing, something really important in my life, It sucks that I've come to realize that everything in this earth can be left behind, every wound heals. It just loses the whole sense of life and making connections.

How I wish I knew earlier in this life that everything is permitted. Then I would have made a lot of mistakes that could have made me stronger, rather than just letting chances pass by just because Im too scared to get out of my comfort zones.

I've been protected all my life, but I see now that everyone can't forever shield you from harm... little by little, I see the people who have always been protecting me from reality slowly fading... it scares me for I really don't know what I would do...

Today I was taught of a very important lesson from God. Maybe its why I've never been truly happy, because of past opportunities I've missed because I'm too effing scared I'd fail.. and failed relationships just because Im too stupid to try a little harder.

Opportunities come only once, and they will never wait...there's really not much second chances around this earth.

There's just so many things I would like to do ... but never did.. because it would mean getting out of my comfort zone...

I wish one day I could leave this place.

I'd want to be free someday...

It bothers me... I should have picked up that cross...